What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
