On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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