You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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