shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
