i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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