I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
