Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My first STD was from a foam party
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
