You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
