Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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