I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
