i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
