Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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