you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
What drink are we having for lunch?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
