dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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