Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
