get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
