I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
