we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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