This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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