I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There's even glitter on my cock...
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