I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She bit a glass in half.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
