the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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