I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
