I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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