I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
