DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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