u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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