why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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