i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
