Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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