saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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