I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
