Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
