sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
