You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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