Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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