so that wasnt chicken after all
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Shame - the story of my life.
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