OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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