why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
