I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just want nice things and good sex
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
