I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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