So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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