You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we should paint friendship bongs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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