And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
