Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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