The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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