Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
