I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
