even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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