the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
