I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
