when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
